As many of you who know me fairly well, I am an organizer...a planner....plan...plan..plan...it is just how my brain works. I was born a Type A, it is in my blood, it is me. Driven to succeed, no matter what the challenge that I placed on myself. Known as organized, productive, and reliable. Always in control. My belief was that I would thrive when all my ducks where in a row and I was ready to go, pulling everything and everyone along. I was in control...
image by Miki Sato
I now realize that this control was where I was limiting myself, my personal growth, as an artist, as a person. My belief was that if I could do it all I would be well...super girl.
All I ended up doing was limiting myself of my true potential, exhausting myself, and stressing relationships that I valued. Last year, I knew I had to change something but really didn't know how, I was so enmeshed in the grind, I couldn't see past my own tight schedule. I was so used to be the planner and the more I took on, the more I planned, so the more I took on, and the more I planned, until the joy of what I was doing was fading.
HA! Until it dawned on me...that this is my life and I could change it (over time). I had commitments that I wanted to honor for this year but I could change things that were in my immediate field of vision. I realized that I needed to give up that -oh so tight- grip that I had on my life.
I finally realize that it is only when you let go of the control of your life and the lives of others that you truly become empowered. Letting go does not mean giving up your power. It's more about having faith and trusting that it will work out, for the better. It's letting go and being still, taking time to breath and let things happen on their own. This planning-control will be a constant work in progress for me and I find that it is easy to slip right back into organizing everyone around me. Now I can catch myself and stop...be still, breath. I also realize that this isn't something to get rid of, it is something to keep in balance! Use it for good so the real super girl can step out.
It has already shown itself to me and I am thankful that this is when you can learn to believe in your dreams and that they will come true with just faith, not a plan.
Image of David Arms work